as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
