Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
