do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
