dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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