Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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