Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Someone signed my nipple.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
