dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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