i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
