omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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