It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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