Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
