remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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