On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
