Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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