So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
