I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
