FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
