In the future we'll all be gay
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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