I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
