i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
