Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
