he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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