bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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