I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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