Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I fill condoms, not promises.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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