Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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