The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
