in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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