I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
