I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
