I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
