I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
