I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
whose parrot is this?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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