Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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