At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
