24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
