its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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