in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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