Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
