so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
