I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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