my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
