My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
