I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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