you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
