Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
