so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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