Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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