Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
