I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
